Now and then, though, certain stressors can pull me backward. Medication and therapy got me where I am today, a place anxiety and depression sometimes visit but rarely stay for long. The gut-wrenching fear, rocking body, and clenched muscles became a daily occurrence for the next five years, while my worries about the future and my mortality triggered depressive thoughts. After the first shock from the defibrillator, I experienced my first panic attack. With a long history of open-heart surgeries, an implanted defibrillator, and a possible heart transplant down the line, I’m no stranger to anxiety or depression either. But it helped me every single day as I recovered from the sickest I’ve ever felt. It wasn’t developed with a huge marketing budget in fact, many people have never even heard of it. Somehow, I found a way to cope, to redirect my mind away from my pain, both physical and mental, and focus it on something fun: a mobile game. ![]() ![]() I was also anemic, my legs were swollen with fluid, and I could hardly walk from one room to another without becoming winded. IV antibiotics had destroyed my stomach, leading to constant nausea, dry heaving, and frequent trips to the bathroom. In October of 2018, after being hospitalized for a week due to sepsis from a blood infection, I spent five months recovering at home.
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